COURTESY THE ARTIST
Petra Cortright is a Los Angeles–based artist known for her self-portrait videos created with a computer webcam and then uploaded onto YouTube, as well as her Photoshop-based paintings on aluminum, linen, paper, or acrylic, among other things. She has staged solo exhibitions at venues including Carl Kostyál in London, Depart Foundation in Los Angeles, Foxy Production in New York, and Société in Berlin.
This all-star edition of Consumer Reports is for all the soccer lovers out there. Cortright is a fiend for the game, waking up early to catch live events and sometimes consuming multiple matches at once, all while talking smack on Twitter. Beyond soccer, there is also talk of flowers, Spotify playlists, a “non-media consumption” interlude, and much more. Just a note: at the request of the artist, her piece has not been edited for grammar and punctuation. Enjoy! —John Chiaverina
SATURDAY OCT 22 2016
5:30am
i don’t do drugs or drink alcohol anymore so i wake up at this ungodly hour now, like an old, responsible person. also i’m up to watch a fuck ton of soccer games today after being away from thrown of my main computesr and direct tvs for 3 weeks –
english premier league, bundesliga and la liga
lets fuckkkin get into this
5:35am
i switch on direct tv
i actually really got into watching sports because of directtv, its really the best because you can select teams you like and then it just automatically tracks any game they play and records them. if i cant watch a game live then i know it is recorded and i can catch it later. the trick is avoiding the internet so that you dont accidentally see the score
5:45am
i am catching the tail end of the tottenham game
i just saw a tottenham game live while i was in london for frieze.
6:10am
sissoko throws a huge elbow into the face of a bournemouth player haha haha
i tweet
6:19am
having twitter convos with other people about the soccer game, i’ve started to make a lot of friends on twitter because of my maniac tweets about soccer. i been actively trying to lose “art world” followers and change my whole audience on there, but i don’t think its working. i guess i don’t tweet enough to only be a sports twitter person, also i love artists and i post so much about art lol i havn’et been sports tweeting because ive been out of town but now im back
6:21am
tottenham and bournemouth draw nil nil
i switch over to bundesliga channel to watch the borrusia dortmund game
they’re playing fc ingolstadt, i don’t know how this game is going to be but I’m only tuning in to watch one player
i follow BVB because they have a young american player called christian pulisic, who plays for the US mens national team, and he is our only hope for the future. he’s doing really well and he’s exciting to watch. i am putting all eggs in one basket on this kid being the future of us mens soccer…
if all american players played abroad, instead of in the garbage MLS we could actually compete.
i get it i get it that we have to have a national league here, but its trash imo
6:27am
my husband brings me breakfast and bed – waffles and black tea. he just got back from paris only a few hours ago and he’s being so nice to me. actually he’s always nice to me.
6:34am
watching the BVB game
i google “christian pulisic” to read any news about him
according to ESPNFC.US barcelona are “hot for pulisic” and are tracking him. hrmm… hrm…… interesting
i close the tab because i don’t want to listen to tim howard talk LOL
6:38
i tweet about the beautiful goal just scored by ingolstadt
6:45
a stream of angry tweets about BVB really sucking right now
6:47
googling around to see if i can find a gif of sissoko elbowing that guy. i love sissoko and he was amazing to see in person. he is a big big guy and full of insane power. he was really a presence when i saw him in person a few weeks ago at white hart lane.
my friends oscar and mandy went to the game with me via the tickets from the generous carl kostyal. these tickets were SO. HARD. TO. GET. thank you carl <3
oscar is also a kind of rare combo of artist/soccer enthusiast. but he’s columbian so i mean, how could he not be.
most artists if you toss a ball at them… the result is a mixture of hilarious +disturbing. for me the connection between art and sport is so vivid and clear, both so creative, i dont understand why there isn’t more crossover… actually i think there is in europe. i think its less here in america. also i hang out with uber nerds in the states. i am a weird hybrid of nerd/artist/athlete so i have a lot of friends groups from those three “subjects” if u will…
im watching this game and remembering that oscar and i agreed that once they took sissoko out of that game against man city the level dropped immediately and was definitely not as exciting for the last twenty minutes.
mandy had never really seen a game in person before, i think it was a fun one for her to see because it was so crazy. at the half there were subs kicking the ball around and keeping warm and oscar and i were trying to show her how easily the players could control the ball, how the touch is like… butter. its beautiful to watch in person. just pure beauty.
6:55am
tweet a bunch of profanity about bvb going down 2-nil.
tweet at my soccer friend on twitter who just woke up and started tweeting
7:00am
i tweet that I’m switching over to arsenal. this bvb game is somehow both boring and upsetting at the same time. what the f—
7:25
lots of back and forth tweets about the arsenal game
7:40
i switch back to the BVB game because i read on twitter that christian pulisic is now in the game and i want to see if he turns the whole thing around
7:41
I’m trying to follow tweets for the barcelona game, leicester city, arsenal, and bvb but its honestly hard to keep up
7:46
screaming at the top of my lungs BVB just scored
7:48
furiously tweeting because this BVB game is out of control
8:10
turn on the tv in the guest room so i can hear the arsenal game but i am glued to this bvb game which has become beyond exciting and I’m screaming
8:15
tweet at directtv complaining that they have a programming error playing a shitty game instead of a good one
8:20
PULISIC SCORES TO MAKE IT 3-3 AND I CANT TYPE FAST ENOUGH TYPIG MOSTLY GIBBERIOUsSsFKJSAFKLAJJKLADG
8:21
marc asks why I’m screaming more than usual and why two tvs are turned on and i yell at him that I’m doing an ARTnews consumer report right now and this is for “art” and im yelling because im just trying be passionate about art.. lies lies lies >:D
8:26
switching over the guest room TV to the barca game, main tv now has arsenal. still shaking from the BVB game veins pumpkin with adrenalin. that autocorrected to pumpkin and im going to fuckin keep it in here. im goig to ask ARTnews pleas no spell checj + editing as it fuqs with my years developed net vernacular and the emotions im trying to evoke in dis piece… damn im so smart rn
8:28
watching two games is a skill acquired over time and it takes a lot of running around with great poise, avoiding furniture and bruises. i did slip on the staircase already this morning running to catch a goal.. i don’t run my @injuries series anymore but you can see how these accounts get started..
8:56am
tweeting at rayhudson the best soccer commentator of all time. Always a treat.
9:01am
i decide to open gmail against better judgement.
nothing horrible has coem thru. god is real.
9:02am
i google images of “david austin roses” to email to alessio ascari of kaleidoscope mag. Its an inside joke and i just saw him in london during frieze. He told me how creepy people thought my kaleidoscope takeover was with all the roses, so im emailing him a ton of roses totally unsolicited, i think im gonna leave all the subject blank
9:03am
FUCKING PENALTY FOR BARCA WTFSSDAFASDFDSA SUAREZ JUST GOT TAKEN DOWN IN THE BOX THAT IS 100% 100% 100% PENALTY NO QUESTION
9:09am
its hard to tweet and do this consumer report at the same time, i feel very stretched
9:10am
retweeted the real madrid troll because she is funny as hell
9:14
change channels to nbc to watch the liverpool game, except its not on quite yet – just commercials but i prefer to change away from the genoa sampdoria game because literally nobody cares about the italian league LOL sorry is that mean
9:19
i do change back to the genoa sampdoria game lol, anything better than psychotic american commercials. Ooo nice shot.
9:24
i send the super creepy email to alessio with a bunch of images of roses attached and not much else
9:27
i am eagerly awaiting this liverpool game to start
i go into gmail to get the tracking number for two cords that i ordered a few days ago from ‘color cord company’ :
Standard Plug-In Pendant Light – Black & White ZigZag
Pendant Light Cord (grounded plug) – Black & White Multi
they are in denver, colorado 🙁
they will be here in 3 days.
whatever
9:30am
the liverpool game kicks off
10:07
liverpool leading comfy 2-nil and doing well, been mostly watching and checkig a little bit twitter, feeling a little bit drained from the excited of the early morning
10:10
i google “91001 weather” and click on the accuweather link. all the other weather reports are clownish as fuck imo and cant be trusted. says not as hot as yesterday, god exists.
10:22
ok good half guys. liverpool playing well and im happy 🙂
NON-MEDIA CONSUMPTION:
i go downstairs and whistle for the dogs and ask them their favorite question
“WHo wants to go OUTSIDE”
i hear two plop sounds in the living room from the couch onto the floor and the sound of bells jingling and tiny legs scrambling into overdrive. they round the corner to the kitchen practically smashing into things and race for the door out into the garden.
i lead them to the studio out back and say hi to marc and then leave them out there with him, they love hanging out in his painting studio.
im give the dahlias a little drink of water, careful not to wet the leaves because the sun is out and i dont want to burn them. i ordered these dahlias last spring but couldn’t plant them until later and i thought they were dead but they werent and they are balling out now. i just wish the weather would cool down.
i turn on the hose only a little to drip water the gardenia and wisteria by the side of the house. the gardenia is starting to flower and smells SO fucking good.
BACK TO MEDIA CONSUMPTION:
10:28am
i retweet the .gif of the dance after coutinhos goal. its of firmino coutinho and man dancing and its so good. this is what you get when you have brazilians on the team…
i buy a “vintage” 2012 lille hazard jersey on ebay per suggestion of my twitter soccer friend. its a good solution because at the national stage, i am truly a netherlands fan, although they are going through a dark time right now, and it feels like im cheating on my beloved #oranje if i get a belgian jersey.
that being said it is too shameful to truly be a chelsea fan….
also considering getting a BVB pulisic jersey because i mean, come on.
and then at that point might as well get a BVB thorgan hazard jersey as well, to rep baby hazard and just have the whole fam covered.
also obsessed with the guest checkout username that ebay assigned to me and stakin claim on twitter for future use, it looks like some welsh shit or like, a title of an aphex track lol
12:00pm
the games ended and i went to Whole Foods to get some groceries
i listened to a playlist i’ve made mostly with a bunch of nasty techno and other cheesy shit and sing in the car. i put some cool songs and bands in there to disguise how actually cheesy the playlist is, i think its public and everyone can see. i dont really make a lot of things private on the internet, i just never believed in that somehow, my policy is if its on the net make it public otherwise maybe it shouldn’t be up on there at all… then just keep it to yourself on your desktop
2:21pm
back from the store, honestly ready to call it a day, but i will stick with it a little more.
put on the resumed 2nd half of my taped womens u-17 world cup spain v germany. this is such a good thing happening to have a u-17 world cup for women. i wish this was around when i was a teenager that would have been awesome. maybe it was but i doubt it. no it wasn’t just checked, first one was in 2008…
the topic of girls dropping out of sports is something im really interested in, there is a lot of psychology about it and i feel like it relates to how people view women in general. its really a crisis at the rate at which girls drop off of sports after puberty… could go on about this but whatever that is a way longer conversation
2:45pm
north korea won and i dont know how i feel about it…. japan outplayed them but it ended in penalties. unlucky but that is how it goes.
3pm
honestly my day is done, im going to watch criminal minds and go to bed in like two hours not a joke
SUNDAY OCT 23 2016
6:15am
i wake up after having bad dreams from watching criminal minds
im catching the 2nd half of the man city southhampton game,
im tired today and dont want to be awake
6:44am
been tweeting about the game, man city scores which wakes me up a little more
6:45
i retweet marc’s tweet, he has a whole series of these tweets at companies some of them are out of control lol
7:07
marc brings me breakfast in bed, a toasted bagel with cream cheese, smoked salmon and cucumber and a pot of paris tea. i dont really drink coffee anymore because i am so obsessed with this tea
7:45am
i iMessage my mom from my computer that she needs to get a few copies of the NY times because my face is in dere today, a lot of people have been texting me about this. lts of ART people i havne’t heard from in a while. cough* paul chan cough* cough* >:)
i go out to starbucks to buy 2 copies of NY Times to get the rhizome article and see my picture in the paper. marc is telling everyone in the starbucks im in the paper and im embarrassed.
8:00am
my friend who is a chelsea fan is txting me something happened in the game, i say dont tell me but im pretty sure they scored… cant wait to see though.
8:22
home and im seeing that chelsea scored after 22 seconds, unbelievable. looking up replay online
chelsea scores again right after i sit down, 2 nil now. THIS IS A VERY GOOD MORNING
9:08
second half has been underway, i have been busy tweeting up a storm of some half baked observations
9:10am
im reading jmbs consumer report to make sure im doing this “right”… pretty sure art people are gonna fucking hate all this soccer shit. GOOd >:)
i miss jmb
9:22
my favorite player hazard just scored and my hands hurt from hitting things around me
tweeting furiously
9:36
a fun player is about to come in and im yelling about it on twitter. RELEASE the BAT
9:55
chelsea wins a whopping 4-0 and i post some finishing tweets
10:41am
watching a shitty webcam style broadcast of the duke game. i love womens college soccer and i especially love duke. ive gotten into tracking girls as they go from college, the u-17 national team, u-20 national team all the way up to the national team. its really fun to watch players come up through the ranks
i like this one player in particular:
there is another girl that i love i haven’t seen her play in a while, she has been getting caps with the national team now i hope to see her more :)))))))))
11am
went outside to water and google about water needs of lilacs
set a timer on my iphone to make sure that the gardenias get 15 min of a slow soak
11:33am
tuned into the USA v SUI game carli lloyds goal was nothing to fuck with, really love her
“ITS HIT WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMANITY” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
11:48am
i check accuweather.com for weather 91001 — very cloudy today and looks like rain. i wish it would rain. i feel absolutely psycho to be denied of the #1 giver of life aka water. it says it might rain but they alwys say that. im honestly starting to feel very conspiracy theory about the weather
12:10pm
carli lloyd just scores again with a one touch banger. absolute legend.
12:53
the game is over. great result. i open up cory arcangels consumer reports to read his. katy perry firework playing in the background of the game on the TV im getting tired of doing this and now im just gonna try to copy other peoples consumer reports or i might just call it quits. i need to add some images into this thing and im lazy
my dog is barking to go outside so i think im gonna take them outside
theres no more soccer games today and now im depressed. i might watch a taped game to come off of the live games. sometimes i have to do that.
12:56
before i go outside im refreshing accuweather.com radar for 91001. sometimes i become obsessed with just watching the weather radar and hoping some rain is gonna hit this area. all the shitty parts of california are getting rain right now and its bothering me.
12:58
i turn off the tv because they are playing a garbage mls game, with really embarrassing dramatic music behind all the announcements. nothing about the mls is dramatic or cool LOL. im a huge troll of the mls but i just fucking hate it, imo we should just shut it down and funnel all the $ into the womens league to ball out LOL this is never going to happen and im a total bitch on the subject
3:45
it rained like 0.0000000000001 inches. wat a thrill
dressed the dogs up in costumes and posted a picture of the ny times on instagram
3:55
psychotically refreshing accuweather radar to see if more rain is coming
4:52
its raining for real now like real big drops. heaven is a place on earth ;_; thank u rain godz the house & neighnorhood is getting so fresh n cleans. im checking the radar right now to see what color of intensity this qualifies as on the radar…
5:10pm
checking radar again because we realistically got about 5 min of rain. that might be it ;_;
7:43
its been raining actually quite a bit and properly and im happy
i went to trader joes to buy flowers, there is gonna be a lot of people over at the house tomorrow
i got a huge hunk of carnations, some roses, and those fake pumpkin tree things. and i bought two mini cinnamon brooms to make the house haz fall feelingz
i listened to boards of canada on the drive over and saw a rainbow
8:02
there is a big patch of medium heavy rain coming that ive been tracking
i looked up this type of winter blooming jasmine because someone posted about it on twitter, i might try to source some for the garden
9:01pm
been watching the radar like a hawk. more storms forming out behind catalina island. the status of tonight was upgraded to *thunderstorm*
9:47
falling asleep to cool lightning
watching a taped game of chelsea
rain starts in 64 min
its past my bedtime by like 3 hours
</Goodnite******** >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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